Why Do Marriages Turn Good?

“Why do marriages turn good?” This question inspired Shaunti Feldhahn, author of For Women Only series, to research the differences between “sometimes happy” couples and “yes, we’re happy” couples. She interviewed 1,000 couples and found 350 couples that truly happy in their marriages. In The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: The Little Things That Make a Big Difference, Feldhahn gives the result of her research, tiny hidden details that can turn every marriages into a happy and satisfying one.

"It’s usually not the biggies—in-laws, money, sex—that determine the level of day-to-day mutual happiness in a marriage. Much more often, it’s daily unspoken beliefs, assumptions, and practices that make the difference regardless of the big issues."

"95% of those (married people) in the room answered that they 'absolutely' cared about their spouses (just 5 percent answered 'sometimes,' with zero saying that they didn’t really want the best for their spouses anymore. But when respondents were asked if they knew their spouses wanted the best for them, only half answered yes."

“Highly happy spouses choose to believe their mate cares for them—no matter what they’re seeing from their spouse or feeling at the time—and they act accordingly.”

“For nearly every man or woman, the same few, small gender-specific actions not only matter but have a huge impact on a couple’s level of happiness. But these little actions take on even more power when accompanied by those that matter to your spouse individually.”

The Fantastic Five for Him

A wife will have a big impact on her husband’s happiness when she does the following.

1. Notices his effort and sincerely thanks him for it. (For example, she says “Thank you for mowing the lawn even though it was so hot outside” or “Thanks for playing with the kids, even when you were so tired from work.”) This deeply pleases 72 percent of all men.

2. Says “You did a great job at _______.” This deeply pleases 69 percent of all men.

3. Mentions in front of others something he did well. This deeply pleases 72 percent of all men.

4. Shows that she desires him sexually and that he pleases her sexually. This deeply pleases 85 percent of all men.

5. Makes it clear to him that he makes her happy. (For example, she expresses appreciation for something he did for her with a smile, words, a big hug, etc.) This deeply pleases 88 percent of all men.

The Fantastic Five for Her

On his side, a husband will have a big impact on his wife when he does the following.

1. Takes her hand. (For example, when walking through a parking lot or sitting together at the movies.) This deeply pleases 82 percent of all women.

2. Leaves her a message by voice mail, e-mail, or text during the day to say he loves and is thinking about her. This deeply pleases 75 percent of all women.

3. Puts his arm around her or lays his hand on her knee when they are sitting next to each other in public (at church, at a restaurant with friends, etc.). This deeply pleases 74 percent of all women.

4. Tells her sincerely “You are beautiful.” This deeply pleases 76 percent of all women.

5. Pulls himself out of a funk when he’s morose, grumpy, or upset about something, instead of withdrawing. (This doesn’t mean he doesn’t get angry or need space; it means he tries to pull himself out of it.) This deeply pleases 72 percent of all women.