Dear Ladies, Do You Understand Your Men Correctly?

Women surface understanding	What that means in practice
Men need respect	Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected
Men are insecure	Despite their "in control exterior, men often feel like impostors and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered
Men are providers	Even if you personally made enough income to support the family's lifestyle, it would make no difference to the mental burden he feels to provide
Men want more sex	Your sexual desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all area of his life
Men are visual	Even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women
Men are romantic clods	Actually, most men enjoy romance (sometimes in different ways) and want to be romantic—and he will take on significant cost or inconvenience in order to support you
Men care about appearance	You don't need to be a size 3, but your man does need to see you making the effort to take care of yourself—and he will take on significant cost or inconvenience in order to support you

Here's the practice explanation of the first revelation: Men need respect.

When I was a year or two out of college, I went on a retreat that profoundly impacted my understanding of men. The theme of the retreat was “Relationships,” which as you can imagine was of great interest to a group of single young adults.

For the very first session, the retreat speaker divided the room in half and placed the men on one side, women on the other.

“I’m going to ask you to choose between two bad things,” he said. “If you had to choose, would you rather feel alone and unloved in the world OR would you rather feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone?”

I remember thinking, What kind of choice is that? Who would ever choose to feel unloved?

The speaker then turned to the men’s side of the room. “Okay, men. Who here would rather feel alone and unloved?”

A sea of hands went up, and a giant gasp rippled across the women’s side of the room.

He asked which men would rather feel disrespected, and we women watched in bemusement as only a few men lifted their hands.

Then it was our turn to answer and the men’s turn to be shocked when most of the women indicated that they’d rather feel inadequate and disrespected than unloved.

Her research showed that 74% men choose unloved over disrespected. This explains the reason why men angry to his women.

In a relationship conflict, crying is often a women response to feeling unloved, and anger is often a man's response to feeling disrespected.

So after knowing this truth, what can women do for his beloved men? These are 5 things to do.

#1 Respect his judgement

Many men said the one thing they wished they could tell their wives was to "show more trust in my decision-making abilities"—which is code for (among other things) "I'm not stupid."

#2 Respect his abilities

If she doesn’t trust me in something as small as finding my way along a road, why would she trust me in something important, like being a good breadwinner or a good father? If she doesn’t respect me in this small thing, she probably doesn’t really respect me at all.

The next time your husband stubbornly drives in circles, ask yourself what is more important: being on time to the party or his feeling trusted. No contest.

#3 Respect in communication

Here's one example of giving disrespect in communication.

Not long ago, I was asking Jeff and one of his married colleagues about the dynamic of men wanting to do things for themselves. This man said, “Sometimes, if something breaks in the house, I want to try to take a crack at it before I call an expert. If my wife says, ‘Well, you’re really not a fix-it–type person,’ I feel so insulted. She’s not rude about it or anything, but it’s like she doesn’t respect me enough to believe that I can figure it out if I put my mind to it, even if it takes me a while.”

This man’s wife is one of my closest friends, and I know that she respects her husband and would never intentionally disparage him. So it was eye-opening to hear that what was (to her) an offhand remark was something he took extremely seriously—and, if I may delicately say so, extremely wrong.

#4 Respect in Public

Just as your man will be hurt and angry if you disrespect him in public, he will think you are the most wonderful woman in the world if you publicly build him up. This is not artificial. It simply means taking those little opportunities to honestly praise him or to ask his opinion in front of others. Do you think he’s a great father? Tell your dinner guests a story about something he did with the kids yesterday that proves it. Are you impressed with his baseball ability? Brag on his great game last weekend. Did he take the kids out and let you sleep in Saturday morning? Tell your book club and make the other girls jealous.

Trust me—from the men I’ve talked to, that will be the equivalent of his coming home to you with a dozen roses and a surprise date night without the kids. He will feel adored.

#5 Respect in our assumptions

To us, repeatedly asking “Have you done it yet?” is probably not a big deal. But inherent in the question is our assumption that the guy needs the reminder—that he is either incapable of remembering on his own or that he remembers just fine but needs our prodding to do the job. It’s no wonder many men hate being nagged. What they are accurately hearing is “I don’t trust you.”

Instead, what if we were to proactively assume the best of him instead of the worst? For example: “I asked him to do it. He hasn’t done it. I trust my husband. Therefore, there’s a reason he hasn’t done it.”

Just realize that his reason for not doing it may be different from yours—which makes it no less legitimate. Remember, half the men on the survey indicated that sometimes they just have different priorities. Or they could just be unable to handle one more thing. One man with a stressful job noted that he sometimes feels like a computer that will crash if he tries to load one more thing onto it. For him, procrastinating on something his wife wants him to do at home is his warning sign that he will emotionally (or even physically) crash if he tries it.

For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men is a great guide for women to understand her man more deeply, more than just a shallow human being.