Tuesday, 29 July 2014
How to Deal with Women Insecurity
As For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men describes 7 things that many women
misunderstand about men, For Men Only, Revised and Updated Edition: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women
gives men insight about inner lives of
women. Men tend to think that women are complex and random, as this
conversation from Shaunti, her husband, Jeff, and several women they surveyed.
gives men insight about inner lives of
women. Men tend to think that women are complex and random, as this
conversation from Shaunti, her husband, Jeff, and several women they surveyed.JEFF: Guys tend to think that women are random. We think, I pulled this lever last week and got a certain reaction. But when I pulled that same lever this week, I got a totally different reaction. That’s random!
WOMAN IN GROUP: But we aren’t random! If you pull the lever and get a different reaction, either you’re pulling a different lever or you’re pulling it in a different way.
SHAUNTI: What men need is a sort of map to their wives or girlfriends. Because we can be mapped. We can be known and understood—firm ground.
JEFF: Uh, no. See, guys think of a woman as a swamp. You can’t see where you’re stepping, and sooner or later you just know you’re going to get stuck in quicksand. And the more you struggle to get free, the deeper you get sucked in. So every guy on the planet knows that the best thing to do is just shut down and not struggle and hope somebody comes along to rescue you.
For Men Only offers a map for men to understand women. These
are 7 things about women that men tend to overlook.
Men surface understanding
|
What that means in practice
|
She
needs to feel loved.
|
Even if your relationship is great, your mate likely has
a fundamental insecurity about your love—and when that insecurity is triggered, she may respond in ways that confuse or upset you until she feels reassured. |
Women are emotional
|
Women deal with multiple thoughts and emotions from their
past and present all the time, at the same time—and these can't be easily dismissed |
She is impossible to figure out
|
There is usually a logical reason behind her baffling words
or actions—and behavior that confuses or frustrates you often signals a need she is asking you to meet. |
Women want security—in
other words, financial security |
Your woman needs emotional security and closeness with
you so much that she will endure financial insecurity to get it. |
She doesn't want you to fix it;
she just wants you to listen |
When she is sharing an emotional problem, her feelings
and her desire to be heard are much more important than the problem itself. |
She doesn't want sex
much—which means she must not want me |
Physically, women tend to crave sex less often than men
do—and it is usually not related to your desirability. |
She wants to
look attractive |
Inside your smart, secure wife lives a little girl who deeply
needs to know that you find her beautiful—and that you only have eyes for her. |
Here’s the explanation for the first point, about how women
need to feel loved. To put it simply, women need reassurance about her husband’s
love.
It’s no surprise that a woman needs to feel loved. What is a surprise is how easy it is for her to not feel loved….. Buried inside most women—even those in great relationships—is a latent insecurity about whether their man really loves them.
The research in this book shows:
Seven out of every ten women said that their relationship and how their man felt about them was anywhere from occasionally to nearly always on their minds…. When we asked women what they meant by “occasional” concern about how their man felt about them, I often heard that it meant several times a week or whenever it was triggered.
Women insecurity about relationship is the same as men
insecurity about providing. As one woman said,
“You know that record that’s always running in a guy’s head about providing? Well, we have the same fundamental concern about our relationship all the time. And if it’s not going well, it can mess up everything else in our lives.”
What makes women feel insecure? The major things that trigger women to ask “Do you still love me?”:
- Conflict. For us, as guys, conflict is just conflict—it’s not a signal or a start of something bigger. But as one woman explained, “A lot of desperate feelings surface for me when I feel like my husband is displeased with me. I know it sounds old-fashioned, and I’m a pretty independent person, but it still really affects me.”
- Withdrawal. When we’re faced with conflict, men tend to retreat into silence to escape unwanted feelings. Often we can’t fully articulate something yet or we want to avoid saying something hurtful. Unfortunately, seeing her man withdraw or become moody usually generates unwanted feelings for a woman. Several women described what crossed their mind this way: What happens if he doesn’t snap out of it this time?
- Silence. Because women have a radar for unspoken conflict, it’s pretty easy for women to jump to conclusions when their man is more withdrawn or quieter than usual. As one woman put it, “If you’re quiet, it must be me.” The women told me it makes a big difference when a guy sees the misunderstanding for what it is and uses it as an opportunity to reassure her. (“I’m not mad, don’t worry. Just concerned about work.”)
- Her emotional bank account is depleted. Perhaps she’s exhausted, or you’ve been absent a lot (even necessary absences can be draining). Maybe the two of you have unresolved issues and conflicts. Regardless of the reason, even if it has nothing to do with you, her insecurity will be more easily triggered if her emotional reserves are low.
What can a man do to reassure his wife that she is still loved? Here are some tips in this book.
#1 During conflict, reassure her of your love
#2 If She’s Upset, Realize That She Doesn’t Need Space—She Needs a HugDuring conflict, men tend to pull away and get some space. Before pulling away, reassure her of your love first.
This is the magic bullet that almost every woman told us would make all the difference: if their man would say something like “I’m angry right now, and I need some space, but I want you to know: we’re okay.” On the survey, a whopping 95 percent of women said that this one step on our part would diminish or even eliminate the emotional turmoil on their part!
...
Chances are, in the midst of conflict, your woman is feeling unloved (even unlovable) and needs you to look her in the eye and tell her that you love her and you’re not going anywhere.
One woman put it this simple when she is upset,
All I want is him to know that half the time I’m just as confused as he is. Instead of getting upset and leaving me alone to “calm down,” I just want him to come close and give me a huge hug and let me know he loves me and he wants me to feel better again.
#3 If She Needs to Talk About the Relationship, Do Your Best to Listen Without Becoming Defensive
“When I tell him how I feel about something concerning our relationship, I am just trying to share my feelings so we can discuss it,” one woman said. “But he takes it as criticism, and then I feel like the bad guy for bringing it up. I wish he could understand that it’s important for me to be able to talk about these things and understand that I’m not just being critical.”
#4 If She Is Being Difficult, Don’t Stop—Keep Reassuring Her of Your Love
You have to realize, if a woman says, “I need to hear that you love me,” and the guy dutifully says, “I love you,” well, that’s essentially meaningless: like she made him say something he didn’t feel. So if she’s feeling confused and neglected and really does want to be assured of his feelings, she can’t just ask.
And if they are at odds, she’s maybe a little mad at him, so when he approaches her, she pushes him away even though closeness is what she most wants! But if he’ll put aside his pride and try again, if he’ll risk grabbing her hand and saying something like, “Don’t go away. I want to know what’s wrong,” that will break through her defenses. It tells her that no matter how she’s feeling right then—whew—he really loves her.
Those things seem so hard to do, right? Yeah, but as men practice, the work will become easier. And this is the easiest part men can do to reassure her of your love. Pursuit her. Chase her again.
Ask yourself, What did I do when we were dating that made me so pickin’ irresistible?
Probably you spent hours just hanging out together. You listened. You flirted. You sent e-mails or texts during the day just to say hi. You shared dreams. You said things like “I can’t imagine life without you” and “I’m so glad God brought us together.”
In other words, you proved to her that you were smitten.
I’m not talking about the big-deal events you planned to impress your bride-to-be, like the picnics in the park or the months you spent secretly getting tickets to her dream concert. I’m talking about the little things that speak love to her. Every. Single. Day. Like putting your arm around her in church. Or the text message that says, “I was just thinking about what a great mom you are.” Or reaching to take her hand when you’re walking across a parking lot.
For Men Only, Revised and Updated Edition: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of WomenNo matter what you do, those little things say one thing: I would choose you all over again. Today. That reassurance—every day—goes so deep into her heart that all those buried doubts are laid to rest.
gives men a great map to understand women. Folks,
your wife doesn’t have a random thoughts.
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